This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Finding more balance

I was putting away some laundry the other day, which had been piled up in a basket for quite some time, when I found that one of Cora's onesies was ripped in half. Immediately, I was pissed off that our damn dryer was eating clothes again. I marched off to present the evidence to Husband that we need a new dryer (the thing rips up my clothes all the time, tearing off snaps and buttons). He inspected it and pointed out that the dryer wasn't the culprit: that was the onesie Cora was wearing the night she went to the ER. They had cut it off of her in order to treat her.

It's easy to forget just how sick Cora was a couple weeks ago. She's only been back home for two weeks. She's healthy, she's thriving, she's eating like a little piglet. She's staring at me right now, in fact, 6:30 in the morning, wide awake and expecting me to entertain her by continuing to hit the music button on her baby papasan. Looking at her, you'd never know she'd spent nearly two weeks in the hospital and had major surgery. In fact, the only evidence of it is the thoracotomy scar across her chest.

Most of the time, we're too busy to reflect on that. Cora keeps us busy, school keeps us busy, friends and family, trying to take a few moments for ourselves, and trying to get enough sleep to function. But sometimes there's just some little reminder of what we actually went through, what Cora endured, not an objective statement of what occurred, but a reminder of the place and time that makes it all come rushing back, and makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Normally, I'm a pretty cold-hearted bitch (just ask Husband, he's the big softy, not me). Things don't usually get to me. But now I have this sore spot. In Medical Liability this week, we were on the duty to treat cases, the main one being a case where an infant is refused medical treatment by an emergency room and the infant dies. I wasn't so much upset by the fact that someone else's baby had died forty or fifty years ago, but the words "infant" and "emergency room" were enough to bring back memories of the night Cora almost died, and then again barely a day later when she had emergency surgery in the middle of the night. I don't want to forget those feelings, lest I ever take for granted the health of my daughter, of my family, and the time I have with them, but I also don't want to feel crippled by fear of losing them. Finding a balance, I think, is probably something that only comes with time. For now, I'm just taking it one day of a time, enjoying every moment, and finding a way to move forward.


Rayne of Terror said...

Being a parent changes you. In my health law class some visiting med school profs said a dead baby is better than an injured one. I freaked out on them.

PT-LawMom said...

I agree with Rayne. I think you will find that your views come from your gut now that you have a child and that it's a reaction you have a hard time beating back down. It's like watching the news or commercials. I used to laugh at people who would get weepy or mad over the nightly news or a commercial about a baby product. Now I totally get it. That's one of the reason I had such a physical and immediate reaction to the idea of LL's baby being taken away when it was obvious to me that she had done nothing but seek out help for him. It's empathy on the highest level. As a mother, you find yourself instantly putting yourself in that other mother's shoes. I think I cried all day when I read the story of the model who turned to answer her cell on a jogging path and lost her baby carriage into the nearby river (she thought someone had stolen him; he drowned while she was looking around).

LL said...

I never had to fear for Landon's life, but I do know exactly what you mean about temporarily forgetting about this HUGE, emotionally traumatic thing that happened to you, and then one little trigger taking you right back to the middle of it. I'm grateful for the busyness because it makes it easier to move on, and it's not like moving on is much of a choice anyway. It just happens in the midst of the tiredness, craziness, and cuteness.

I've found the triggers lose some of their power after a while- I'm sure they'll always do something to me, but I snap out of the heart-stopping memory quicker. I hope yours do too. Like you said- you can't forget them, and don't want to, but a balance will come.

Zuska said...

This is a really great post. Good luck in seeking your balance.

Cee said...

It really is amazing how far Cora has come and how much she has endured in her short life. It's also amazing how babies can bounce back so well.

She's the lucky one, while the memory and feelings of it all may linger for you, Cora will never have to remember what happened to her!