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This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Boobs (more TMI)

I am horribly traumatized after going evening gown shopping. Cinderella can't go to the ball if her boobs don't fit in her dress. Not that I didn't have such issues before pregnancy. My pre-pregnancy bust size was a 36DD, after all. Now it's like a 40ZZZ or something horrendous. My waist is back to normal. I'm back in my pre-pregnancy pants (even if they're a wee bit tight). But I can't get any dresses zipped, even in a size 14... by a good two inches. I don't know what to do. I guess I need to find a store that carries plus size dresses, then have the rest of the dress taken in. That sounds crazily expensive and unnecessary. Just another reason why I hate breastfeeding.

I do, I hate breastfeeding. Yes, there's an angry mob of La Leche militants coming for me, but I don't care. Even when she's nursing, I don't find it enjoyable whatsoever. Apparently Cora doesn't find it all that enjoyable either, it tends to piss her off. I don't need to stick my boob in my daughter's mouth in order to bond with her. (Wasn't that bond created when she was in the womb? Or when she came plowing out of my vagina, wreaking havoc on my girl parts? Or in caring for her for the past seven weeks of her life?) And I actually like feeding her with a bottle much better. I get to look at her and see her progress, and know how much she's eaten. Plus, Husband gets to feed his daughter too (and he really likes that).

Granted, we've had a tough go of it. Cora never did latch on before her surgery; I don't think she could breathe well enough to do it. The bottle was enough work for her. So, I was pumping in order to give her breast milk. Since her surgery, she does latch on now. But she gets bored with it after about ten minutes, stops nursing and screams at me until I give her a bottle. So, I'm still pumping. I'm not quite producing enough milk because she won't nurse enough, so we're still supplementing with formula. (Which is fine by me, she stays full longer during the night with the formula.) I can't even tell you what the crazy milking device does to my nipples, not to mention the times when Cora tries to take off a nip. The lanolin stuff helps, although it smells nasty, and you just can't wash it off your fingertips afterwards (I've taken to applying it with latex gloves). Then there's the time commitment. Not only do I have to feed her, but then I have to follow it up with pumping, so it's even more time consuming.

I'm still doing it, of course, and I'm hoping to be able to keep it up until she's six months old, although realistically I might have to stop at three months. With all of Cora's health problems, she can use all the help she can get. And she seems to like it better than the formula (although she actually yacks up less of the formula, maybe because it's thicker). But I can't wait until this nonsense is finally over, and I can fully have my body back to myself. I can have boobs that don't hurt, and nipples that aren't so sore I want to scream when being milked. I can go out and not have to plan to be back within four hours because otherwise my boobs will explode. I can drink large amounts of alcohol. I can wear normal sized clothes again, not including bras that look like I borrowed them from Dolly Parton. I can feel like a human being again, instead of eternally pregnant. Oh I can't wait.

9 comments:

Shelley said...

I have to say that I was not heartbroken when I was told not to breastfeed. It helped tremendously with my postpartum stress to not have the one additional pressure of "You must!" hanging over me. Probably why I'll never make mother of the year, but oh, well. The formula did what it was supposed to do -- she went from less than third percentile to 70th percentile. No guilt.

Cee said...

It must be so hard to have to share so much of your body with another person. I'm not quite there yet, so I can only imagine how it could be. Especailly after having to share it for 9 months constantly!

legally certifiable said...

You know, if you really don't like breastfeeding then don't. I am very pro breastfeeding, but I did not enjoy it. I went for a year with my oldest, but had a much tougher time with my twins and gave up after three months. I had a ton of guilt, but I was so glad to have my body back after surviving a difficult pregnancy. I feel like I bonded better with my babies by enjoying their mealtimes rather than feeling like a dairy cow. Release the mommy guilt and do what works best for you and Cora.

newduck said...

I think it's great that you're trying really hard to do what's right for Cora. On the other hand, I think there's a huge social conspiracy to pressure women into breastfeeding, whether we want to or not.

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Ah, breastfeeding. I'm doing it now - and pumping during the school day in my law school's FRIGID garage. I hated it at first - it was extremely painful for probably 2 months, then it stopped hurting. I'd liken the pain to putting your nipples in a food processor. Slowly, it hurts less and then stops hurting. Now, baby is almost 6 months old and I am surprised to say I actually like doing it. So - if you really feel strongly about it, keep at it - it definitely gets better when the kid isn't eating every 20 minutes. Oh - and don't feel guilty about supplementing with formula - I did that from the beginning, too. The lactation lady at the hospital totally tried to make me feel bad about supplementing - it was such a load of crap. My baby weighed 9 lbs. 6 oz. when born . . . YOU try keeping a horse well-satiated on a liquid diet and see how well it goes . . .

That being said, plenty of babies go to Harvard, Duke, Yale, Cornell, Columbia, and UCLA who aren't breastfed. La Leche is out of control and if you don't like it, don't do it! I mean - if you want to beastfeed your kid until he's 12, do it - if not, do it. I just don't know what's wrong with people FORCING breastfeeding on mothers or forcing guilt trips on women who don't do it. I don't get it.

One last thought - I'm scared to stop breastfeeding because my boobs are HUGE now and I'm afraid of what they're going to look like when I stop . . .

lawmom said...

My friend called them breastfeeding Nazis. Really you are always going to feel guilty about something or feel like there is something you could be doing better/different, such is having an infant.
Don't worry I gave up after 3 tortuous months and our daughter couldn't be healthier or happier.

LL said...

I'm glad people have been so supportive of you- I was afraid to read the comments on this post! (We have some lovely law momma bloggers, don't we?) I didn't breastfeed, for a variety of reasons, and while I absolutely agree it's best, I believe formula is just fine. I bonded with Landon during every bottle I gave him (and so did JP, which was nice)- we'd look each other in the eyes and he'd snuggle up against me and I loved it. My boobs did not have to be involved.

Good luck with your feedings and do whatever is best for the two of you!

Melissa said...

Hi there - I've been lurking!

I have a four and a hlaf week old son that has a lot of problems staying latched on to my breast because he gets super frustrated and starts screaming. I've been solely pumping and giving him breast milk in bottles and that seems to work better for me. I felt a ton of guilt at not getting him on my breast initially - I cried and cried. I even cried in the pediatrician's office talking to the doctor about it. But you know what, he's gaining weight, he's happier with bottles, I'm happier pumping and with him being happier, he's healthy...and in the end, that's what matters. Your and your daughter's health and happiness.

What will be interesting is when I return to work - I'm a public defender. I have been pumping a lot now just to store up breast milk for when I go back...I'm worried about continuing to pump at work...

Karen said...

It is nice to hear you be so honest about your experience. He is a motto for life as a working mother... do what you can and don't feel guilty about what you can't. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great mom.

There is some advice and a little debate going at: http://ms-jd.org/7-truths-every-working-woman-should-know-having-child-part-v