This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Things they don't tell you in pregnancy books

If I actually labeled my posts, this one would be labeled "TMI."

Pregnancy books, even the ones that are more graphic about bad things that happen to your body, still downplay the nastiness that occurs during pregnancy, or exaggerate it to the point that you don't take it seriously. And then there are the earth mothers that are all "oh, pregnancy is beautiful, it's a miracle, the pregnant body is beautiful." Whatever. A real miracle would be a happy, healthy baby created with no mess and no fuss. Delivery via stork? Cabbage patch? Sounds good to me!

Anyway, on to the painful realities of third trimester. I missed all the supposed "feeling great" of the second trimester, mostly because morning sickness/fatigue continued until about 17 weeks, then at 21 weeks we got our CCAM diagnosis and all the drama that ensued. Third trimester has involved the following:

1. Weird changes to my nipples, including discoloration. It's like someone took a paintbrush to my nipples and then splotched color outside the lines. I take that to mean my entire breast is going to be one big nip by the end of the pregnancy.

2. The apparent separation of my pelvis that results in what I can only describe as pain in the vagina. It's pressure on the pelvic bone, but it also feels rather like muscle pain. On some days walking is almost unbearable. I now understand why pregnant women waddle. I just keep my thighs together and shuffle.

3. Stretch marks in stupid places. I expected stretch marks. Afterall, I got stretch marks during puberty, why should pregnancy be any different. However, while I look like I swallowed a basketball that sits right under my breasts, I haven't gotten any stretch marks there. Places I have gotten stretch marks? Along my bikini line at the tops of my thighs, and the very bottom of my stomach (which has only grown one pants size over the past several months). I can still wear several pairs of my pre-maternity pants, if they are low-rise, although they're a bit snug. So why do I have stretch marks in places that haven't grown all that much and no stretch marks in the places that have gotten enormous? And bikini line? I mean REALLY, that's just unnecessary and cruel.

4. Hair getting darker. I'm Italian, we're rather hairy. I'm just lucky that my body hair has always been rather blond and therefore not noticeable. My cousin didn't fair so well, and spends a significant amount of time and money waxing off thick, dark body hair. All my body hair has suddenly turned darker, and longer. If it gets any worse, I'm going to have to wax my (large, stretch marky) stomach, and even under my chin. Gross! I thought these were things to look forward to with menopause, I had no idea this was a pregnancy thing too.

5. Extreme horniness. You'd think Husband would be thrilled with this one, but I think he feels more cheap and violated than anything. First, there's the sudden role reversal of him always pawing at me for sex and me being like, god, it's late, I'm tired, I have to get up early in the morning, can't we just cuddle? Now he's the one telling me to stop molesting him, he's trying to read/sleep/watch TV.

Second, there's the fact that he can't possibly be attracted to me in the least bit, regardless of his adamant claims to the contrary. I'm enormous. I think he's only continued to have sex with me out of pity and as obligation to the marital commitment.

I used to look exactly like this:

Okay, so maybe not. That's why I went to law school whereas Gisele B√ľndchen gets paid for barely wearing clothes. But still, I was reasonably attractive once.

However, now, I look more like this:

Only with stretch marks.

Okay, so maybe I can't blame it all on pregnancy. I did gain 20 pounds since we started dating in 2001, and things were already starting to sag and wrinkle. But I was okay with that. Suddenly, my body has turned into a freak show, with bulges and weird hairs and random pains and stretch marks in crazy places. I think it's actually traumatizing my husband, as his large freak-show of a wife demands frequent sex, and he just wants to snuggle with my baby bump.

I told him to get it while he can, because after this kid's born, we'll probably never have sex again.


legally certifiable said...

Heehee, oh the memories. I think if women knew the full truth about pregnancy and childbirth the human race would be wiped out. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all those changes don't necessarily go away once the baby is born.

PT-LawMom said...

Ditto what LC said. ;) My issue was that no one ever tells you how much pregnancy sucks. Childbirth and infancy was a breeze comparatively, although I had such an easy kid that I am surely in for it with the next one! Good news is that most of your symptoms will go away pretty much as soon as you give birth. :-)

caradepollo said...

oh that was too funny...scrolling from giselle to the rhino. thanks.
i don't even want to look to see where the stretch marks are...so i don't. it's all hard enough, isn't it?

TriLawyer said...

Love the post! I know I am a man and maybe I should leave well enough alone (funny stuff!), I felt the need to give you a possible male perspective.

My wife and I have two little girls (4 and 6 months). If she read your blog she would probably say "AMEN sister!" But, I would add that many men (myself included) believe a pregnant wife is as beautiful as they come. The changes are sometimes severe and the emotional turbulence traumatic. But, I have never felt so in love with my wife as during those 9 months.

We can't stay young forever and women who give birth are truly special in my eyes. And doing it in law school? Holy crap. You are amazing.

So - keep your spirits up. You might think your husband looks at you in horror but he probably thinks of you as even more beautiful.

Great blog. Thanks for the memories.

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