This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

More random thoughts

My thoughts shift between blind optimism and actual acknowledgment of the continuing risk of this pregnancy. I asked Husband last night how he was holding up. He mentioned that he was trying not to get his hopes up, because of what could still go wrong. I think it's too late for me, my hopes are already up, and I think in reality, he's not far behind. We've started referring to the fetus as "she" instead of "it" and have largely abandoned the in utero name we were calling her in favor of her birth name. Probably dangerous considering we still have several weeks to go before we can guarantee a safe delivery, and of course, the risks involved with neonatal surgery. But I feel like I can't keep living in fear of what could go wrong. I agreed to have a baby shower next month, and Husband promised to paint the nursery before Thanksgiving. His father will bring the crib they're giving us that weekend, and after finals are over I can start actually decorating. I want to start looking forward instead of stuck in the fear of each day, of each appointment, of what will go wrong. Easier said than done, and maybe setting myself up for heartbreak, but I'm taking a leap of faith that everything will be okay.

In other thoughts, I was just thinking today how surreal it is that my health, and even my life, could have been at risk. I could have ended up a (rather poorly done) episode of House from last season. If the hydrops hadn't resolved, it could have been bad news for me too. A recurrence of hydrops could put me at risk again. Strange that those realizations didn't truly sink in at the time. But then we often forget that pregnancy itself puts a woman's life at risk, assuming that modern medicine fixes everything. Even without the CCAM, the risk wouldn't have been zero. It's just surreal to think about.


Shelley said...

It's interesting that you'd mention that episode of House -- we had it on TiVo and saved it -- I would only watch it after Eden was born.

Having had a failed first pregnancy, I was exactly with you on the risks of saying "she" and "Eden" rather than "it" and "Gemini." I wouldn't even read ahead in the "What to Expect" book, which left me completely clueless when it came to giving birth a month early!!

PT-LawMom said...

Hopefully the rest of your pregnancy will be uneventful! The difficult thing is that every pregnancy is different so you have no idea what will happen in the future (probably less likely to be as scary as this one, though!) The unknown is one of the main reasons I have yet to have a second child.

J said...

Once you start loving them, you just do. Whether it starts the moment you know you're pregnant or not until they're born, I don't think there's any going back.

Best of luck.