Disclaimer

This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Insomnia

I went to bed at 9, which for me is unbelievably early. I woke up at 1am. I took a Benadryl and am going to give it another shot here soon. Oh the cruelty of being exhausted, and yet unable to sleep. I can't seem to get comfortable, being so enormous. And my mind just keeps going. Might also be because Husband is snoring like crazy. Normally I would usually just shove him over until he stopped, but he had a much harder day than I did so I don't have the heart. In some ways this is harder on him than on me.

Anyway, my random middle of the night thoughts:

Trying your best, yet still coming up short, really sucks. I'm looking forward to being done with law school so someday I can feel like I'm actually good at something again. All law school does is remind you how much you suck, you aren't the best and never will be, and you actually paid to be here to find this out. Just when you think you've embraced mediocrity, you realize you don't want to be mediocre at all, and you definitely don't want to be an outright failure. It's hard to always keep the attitude that it's all just a learning experience when you keep falling short of your already low expectations.

Being a parent is scary, and in ways you never imagine. I'm not really even a parent yet. Worrying all the time sucks. The drop in heart rate today was terrifying. I hate living in fear of what could go wrong. On one hand, we're over 28 weeks, and that's really good for our chances of viability. On the other hand, anything less than 100% is not really comforting. Anyway, I'm just hoping for a lot less crippling worry in parenthood and a lot more joy (not just for me, but the rest of you parents too).

I really want to eat the entire pint of gourmet strawberry ice cream sitting in the freezer, but Husband would never forgive me if I ate it without him. And it'll just wake Family Dog, and I'll feel guilty for getting her all excited that it's time to wake up, and then keeping her locked in the kitchen. Better go back to sleep instead.

2 comments:

Shelley said...

You have my sympathy (on sleep and heartbeat counts)! I'm taking three drugs that all mildly interact (with doctor's OK; the side effect is that I'm wired after taking them, instead of being drowsy -- the usual effect). Ugh.

Do you have a baby heartbeat monitor at home? You can rent one from babybeat.com -- it made me feel better when I was stressing about Eden at home. (When I was in the hospital pre-Eden, I was attached to monitors almost all the time -- any dip in her heart rate would terrify me -- and every time the nurses would come in to ask me to move positions to raise her heart rate -- yikes.)

Kim said...

I'm thinking about you. Being a parent is scary, but it's also exhilarating and the most wonderful thing in the world. Thankfully, that helps balance out the scary stuff.