This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Still stuck

Still stuck in the hospital. No increase in amniotic fluids, and I've got another day of IV antibiotics and bedrest, at least. I just want to go home. I'm exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. I really don't know how much more of this I can handle. Worried about pre-term labor, without having even reached viability for a healthy fetus, let alone one trying to recover from hydrops with a pipe hanging out of its back to drain a cyst. We can't deliver for another two months at least and guarantee a healthy baby in the end.

I'm just so tired of all of this. I just want to go home. Sleep in my own bed, not be poked with anymore giant needles, and have a nice cup of Earl Grey while cuddled on the couch with Husband and Family Dog. I don't know how I'm ever going to get caught up with school, especially if I keep missing more class.

I don't even know if we made the right decision in trying to save this pregnancy. I'm so afraid we'll have done all of this for nothing, that there won't be a baby anyway, when we should have just terminated the pregnancy and accepted our loss. I don't know that we weighed our decisions enough. We jumped at the chance to save this pregnancy without truly considering the repercussions. There were surgeons willing to do the surgery, they gave us very good odds, and that seemed good enough for us. Maybe that's the only thing we could do, is try all we could to have a healthy baby. The odds were in our favor, best case scenario we'd have a healthy baby, so how could we not try? And maybe, cosmically, trying was for the best because it's the only way that medical technology improves.

I dunno, I guess I'm just trying to make sense of all of this. Maybe there isn't any sense to be made. All I know is, I want to go home, and I want to know that all of the turmoil we've been through over the past two weeks wasn't for nothing.


caradepollo said...

...Exactly-- how could you not have tried. Imagine what you would be thinking in a week, month, or year from now if you had terminated on the prospect that attempting to save the pregnancy would have been "too much." Moreover, this is not yet a fait accompli.
It's probably true that everything you are going through, regardless of the outcome, has some cosmic redemptive value although it may not be clear WHAT that is just now.
Somehow you and your family have been picked for the big challenge life is presenting you. Someone once said to me, "the big souls get the big challenges."
Best of luck.

PT-LawMom said...

Aw, don't second guess yourself. You guys are in such a hard, horrible position. There are no clear answers right now and you're just doing the best you can. I hope that all of the suffering you're going through now makes sense someday soon. Keep us posted. (((HUGS)))

Kim said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. There are no clear answers...you are doing the right thing by doing all that you can and by going with your instincts. I am thinking about you. Keep us posted.

Shelley said...

Spending the night in the hospital sucks. :(

I don't believe in cosmic significance, not really. What happened to you is random, an accident of cellular division - not your fault or anyone else's fault. You're doing what you believed to be right and you're giving this baby a shot.

For whatever it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. If I were in your shoes, I would regret terminating without at least trying this treatment much more than I would regret trying the treatment. I wish I would have had that choice last summer, actually, instead of the one I ended up with.

When I was stuck on bedrest, it just about killed me. But I finally just threw up my hands and figured there was nothing I could do about it, so I might as well read a few good books. :) School and finances are completely out of your control right now -- if you can, let that stress go and just focus on yourself and your physical (and mental) health.

You also might want to ask if the hospital has chaplains or counselors available for you to talk to -- sometimes it just takes a neutral third party to listen to help you sort it all out.

Strength and peace for you all in the coming days.