This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Random thoughts

I cannot even describe how good it is to finally be home. Laying in bed right now with a cuddly labrador who's snoozing happily and drooling on Husband's pillow, is very good for the soul.

Most of the day was completely worthless though. In response, I had two meltdowns today, my emotions are definitely getting the best of me. When four hours after saying I could finally go home, and even taking out the very-painful IV and getting me packed up, they still had not discharged me from the hospital. I could have made it back to town in time to go to class today and attend a women's law caucus meeting, had that not happened. After two days in the hospital, and five days out of town, I was ready to pull out my hair. I am completely intolerant of the medical community anyway, but things like that make my brain explode. Sure, they couldn't get in contact with the attending to sign the discharge order. However, it just takes "someone" with an MD to sign a discharge order, and that's what they have slaves (a/k/a residents and fellows) for anyway. Four hours later, they finally found an enslaved MD to get me the hell out of there.

I also got a statement from Previous Sucky Insurance Company, where they paid practically nothing of the triple screen I had done last month. After arguing on the phone with Pissy Customer Service Person (I guess I'd be pissy too if I worked for Sucky Insurance Company), I had second meltdown of the day. What good is a law degree if you still get screwed over by insurance companies? I'm going to propose a new course to administration called "Insurance Law: How Not to Get Screwed." Also, I'm determined to find out what is this great secret of medical bill coding that makes the insurance company arbitrarily pay a claim that they would otherwise deny. Sounds like dark sorcery to me, and oh do I want part of it.

Finally, when we got home, my mother was here and stayed for dinner. I love my mother, she is supportive and caring, and has been here to take care of Family Dog, Family Rabbits, and watch the house in our absence. But she still raises my blood pressure. Not intentionally, she just has this innate ability to stress me out even more, mostly by hovering. I hate hovering. I'm a leave-me-the-hell-alone kind of sulky person when I'm upset, whereas my mother wants to hug it out. I hope someday I can provide equal amounts of love/irritation to my child, and also hope I'll have the ability to know when to just go away.

Provided there is a child, of course. I keep going back and forth between blind optimism that everything will be just fine, and the cruel reality that there are no guarantees and we're a long way from having a healthy baby. Wednesday is our next ultrasound, as it will be every Wednesday after that. Going every Wednesday to find out if the CCAM has grown, if we need to drop everything to head north to Children's Hospital, if I need to again be stabbed repeatedly in the belly, if I need to drop out of school because about one more week of absences will do the job for me. On an emotional level, it's like a run through the gauntlet.

I resent the uncertainty, the lack of control over the situation, the inability to really plan for anything anymore. I also resent the intrusion into my carefully structured life, of these medical emergencies and emotional turmoil. But mostly I'm mad at myself, because I let myself believe I could do this pregnancy thing with no problem, and I let my pride get the best of me. I'd pop out a kid over Christmas break and be back sitting at the law school by spring. Glide through 2L year, be Miss Suzy Law School, president of everything, this shining role model of law school parenthood and academic mediocrity. Maybe they'd even give me a damn medal at the end of it. Also, I started this blog as a way to reach out to women who wanted both careers in law and a family, as I had appreciated the insights of others also starting their families while pursuing a legal education. I wanted to show it could be done, despite the naysayers who thought I was crazy for getting pregnant during law school in the first place. Now I feel as though I've become a horror story of why you don't get pregnant in law school, a cautionary tale to sing the merits of birth control and good study habits. Even though I know logically there is no way I could have known how this would all work out, and there is no reason I should have believed I would have even a complicated pregnancy let alone a disasterous one, I still feel the weight of my decisions and the subsequent consequences. I'm sure I'll feel differently if we can have a healthy baby in the end, and years from now talk about how all the pain was a small price to pay. But if we don't, I know myself enough to realize just how much I'll carry the burden of my choices.

But for right now, all I can do is fight to keep my head above water. I'm just stubborn enough to not give up and let a bad situation ruin me. Not to mention that whole pride thing too. I want this to be story of how mediocre law student can get pregnant, have a tremendously bad pregnancy experience, keep afloat, and still come out triumphant with a baby and a JD.


Cecilia said...

Oh, sweetie, it's ok. Life happens. This has nothing to do with planning, with law school, or your career or anything. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but it doesnt have to be compounded by school.

Do it, or don't do it - nothing you can do at this point is any way "failing" (except maybe taking a job at Sucky Insurance Company or something like that, but even then, it's fine) - take comfort in your husband, dog, and loving mom, and have faith. Not necessarily in a religious sense - just faith that things will work out in the end. maybe not how you want them, or think you want them right now, but they will.


(I know I dont know you - but I've been reading since you started and feel like I do!)

PT-LawMom said...

I like the triumphant ending idea. :) You don't have to be anything to anyone. You could never have anticipated it. No one tells women how rough pregnancy can be and the funny thing is that every pregnancy is different. I was on bed rest for a month at only 15 weeks and then I was able to work through until the end. No vomiting, just terrible sciatica. My SIL threw up every day for the entire nine (okay, 10!) months. Every woman is different and there's just no way to predict. Also, just because you are having these problems now doesn't mean your next pregnancy won't be different. As for me, there's a reason my son is four and we haven't done the pregnancy again. Babies don't scare me... pregnancy does!

P.S. I hear you on the Mom front. Just don't smack her. ;)

CM said...

What Cecilia said.

It's easy to be a shining role model when everything goes exactly as planned. When all your plans go horribly awry, that's when you really show people how tough you are... and you are.

Henny Penny said...

You are really getting a raw deal. There is no doubt this is a traumatic experience for you and your husband. I wish you only the best.
That said, "I resent the uncertainty, the lack of control over the situation, the inability to really plan for anything anymore. I also resent the intrusion into my carefully structured life ... and emotional turmoil. But mostly I'm mad at myself, because I let myself believe I could do this pregnancy thing with no problem, and I let my pride get the best of me." This was pretty much how I felt having had a good pregnancy, good birth, healthy child, etc during law school. The kind of women who go to law school are not really "roll with it" types. Your feelings are not unusual and if your child is born healthy you might still feel this way. Taking time off from school is in no way failing. A leave of absence can be a positive experience and a surprising amount of people take advantage of it.
Good luck to you three. I truly wish you the best, safest, healthiest outcome you can have.