Disclaimer

This blog is not intended to provide legal advice, legal services or legal anything else. Don't sue me. All I have is debt anyway.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Our first ultrasound

The ultrasound results weren't what we were expecting. We didn't find out the gender. We don't want to know in case the pregnancy isn't viable, because then maybe I can maintain some sort of detachment.

There is a cyst in the chest cavity of the fetus. While everything else is normal, if that cyst grows, there won't be a baby. Its heart would eventually stop. If the cyst doesn't grow, or perhaps even shrinks, we have "options" which include surgical procedures while the fetus is still in utero by a surgeon in a hospital an hour away, and surgery by the same physician after birth should the child even survive.

What I'm stunned by is how much this hurts. And how scared I am. And how we haven't even told anybody yet, but just laid in bed and cried for most of the evening. I just want this day to have never happened. I want to go back to dreaming about what our baby will be like, and not be so afraid that there might not be one. I'm not a sentimental person, or normally even an emotional one, but I can't even describe how bad this feels.

I have another ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday, and an amnio, although they believe it's unlikely to be a genetic disorder, but just a birth defect, something that randomly went wrong. I will be having weekly ultrasounds from now on to determine whether there's anything we can do, or if I'm just waiting out a stillbirth.

15 comments:

Henny Penny said...

I am so sorry. I wish you peace and a healthy outcome. I'm so sorry.

Zuska said...

I am so sorry. I am glad you are able to cry together.

You are in my thoughts.

CM said...

Lying in bed and crying sounds like the best option right now.

I hope you will be okay. I know you probably don't want to deal with telling anyone, but I hope you get all the support you need. Sending you hugs.

Kim said...

I am so sorry. I know exactly how difficult this is for you and how very much it makes your heart hurt. I've been where you are. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

LawSchoolMom said...

I have no words to assuage your pain. Know that you and your baby are in my thoughts.

divine angst said...

I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you in this hard time.

Shelley said...

I am so, so sorry. I was in the same place last June, facing awful decisions, and crying is the best thing you can do.

If and when you would like to talk about it with someone who has been there, please email me and I'll send you my phone number.

Hugs and prayers to you all.

Butterflyfish said...

I don't have words better than the sentiments expressed already. I am so sorry and am sending postive thoughts your way.

Lyttle One said...

I know this has been said many times but I'm so very sorry.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Andrea said...

Thinking of you, timeline-buddy. Wishing you and your husband lots of strength and being kind to yourselves.

PT-LawMom said...

Oh no! All I have to offer is (((HUGS))) and prayers and hope that this cyst turns out to be a little blip that never gets any larger or more detrimental than it is right now. More (((HUGS))).

Denise said...

So terrible. Hold onto hope, take care of yourself, and be well.

LL said...

I am so, so sorry. Please know that lots of prayers and warm thoughts are being sent your way- and even if you don't have the strength to tell people face-to-face yet, you have lots of internet buddies pulling for you.

divine angst said...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/08/30/ep.second.opinion/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

saramel said...

I am so sorry... I will keep you and your little one in my thoughts and hope everything turns out allright!